I just joined this group because what I have been dealing with for the past several years is something like depression yet something else too.
I don't know what sparked it really, maybe it was always there under the surface waiting for the right circumstances to set the stage. I don't know.
It started seemingly innocently with a little quirky thing, I began to second guess my choices I'd make. Going to the restaurant I would choose something then question whether it was the right thing or I'd go to the store and pick up something I wanted then I'd put it back because I didn't know if it was the right choice and so on.
But it went farther back then that, I suppose I was a sensitive kid and felt hurt when I got criticized for something especially by my parents.
I was indecisive about lots of things which made it impossible for me to stick with anything I'd embark on because in the back of my mind I was always questioning why I was doing this or that; what was the point, how am I going to make use of it? Why waste energy on something that I'll probably never use.
Then there is the lack of self confidence too. I suppose with a lifetime of failures, barely squeaking by in school and not ever having an idea of what to do in life. According to society I was supposed to know or at least have some inkling as to what I wanted when I got out of high school. Never happened.
Life never really flowed for me and now it is barely at a trickle and now that I have lost both my dad and mom and am without a means to have an income and osteoarthritis which makes getting around a challenge at times and my adopted 'brother' doesn't want to help I feel even more that life trudges painfully by.
I try to keep my mind of my problems by trying to do things like crochet or whatever but I always had a hard time doing things regularly so it becomes a routine; I used to read up on wicca and do a few things but all it took was some criticism from my dad to make me give it up. So now I am trying to pick up where I left off but something seems to be getting in the way of the flow of things, it's like I am waiting for the other proverbial shoe to drop so I don't feel secure or safe (not that I am in danger per se right now)
Anyway my thoughts are in a flurry and I am trying to get myself into some sort of a routine with witchcraft and spells even just little things like lighting a candle or something.
The odd thing is that I am an introvert; I like solitude but I hate being alone like this; after my dad died I had nowhere to go so mom let me move in with her and my 'brother' and for a few months it was ok until all hell broke loose and my mom had frequent trips to the doctor and hospital, finding out she had uterine cancer then despite surgery and being told emphatically by her surgeon that they 'got it all' she passed two or so months later then my brother moved out three months later leaving me all alone so I have no one to rely on. The landlady is a drunk so I hestitate asking her to take me anywhere and other tenant she rents a room too is not someone I like or trust.
Sorry for rambling..I try to avoid things that get me down but I am beginning to realize that the things that get me down is pretty much a bulk of our skewered society. :)
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